Tag: Jokes

Steven Seagal claims he’s done Covert Ops for the CIA

Steven Seagal really claims he’s done Covert Ops for the CIA in REAL LIFE!!!

“You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors.” – Steven Seagal

50 Things You’ll Never Hear From a Redneck

50 Things You’ll Never Hear From a Redneck

1. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”
2. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”
3. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
4. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
5. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”
6. “I thought Graceland was tacky.”
7. “No kids in the back of the pick-up…it’s not safe.”
8. “Professional wresslin’s fake.”
9. “Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
10. “We’re vegetarians.”
11. “Do you think my hair is too big?”
12. “I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”
13. “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
14. “I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.”
15. “Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
16. “Deer heads detract from the decor.”
17. “Spitting is such a nasty habit.”
18. “I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”
19. “Trim the fat off that steak.”
20. “Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.”
21. “The tires on that truck are too big.”
22. “I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.”
23. “I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.”
24. “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
25. “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”
26. “My fiance is registered at Tiffany’s.”
27. “I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.”
28. “She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.”
29. “Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?”
30. “Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.”
31. “I don’t have a favorite college football team.”
32. “Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.”
33. “I believe you cooked those green beans too long.”
34. “Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.”
35. “Elvis who?”
36. “Checkmate”
37. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
38. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
39. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
40. Do you think my gut is too big?
41. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
42. Who cares who won the Civil War?
43. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
44. I’ve got it all on the C drive.
45. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
46. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
47. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
48. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
49. You All.
50. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.

An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their families.

An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their families.

The Englishman said, “I have ten kids at home and if I had another one I would have a soccer team!”

“Well,” said the American guy, “I have 15 kids at home and if I had another one I would have a football team!”

“Well,” said the Arabic guy, “I have 17 wives at home.” He paused, sipping at his drink. “If I had another one I would have a golf course.”

Bush Joke: Three Brazilian Solders Killed

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying, “And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” Mr. Bush exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing.

Finally, the president looks up and asks, “Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?”