Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled “Son of a Bitch.”

Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris. Why? Because he’s a pussy.

Jack Bauer has never taken a dump that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these dumps, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.

You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It’s just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.

Jack Bauer was going to cut Chase’s hand off anyway. The bomb just gave him an excuse.

Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer’s alarm clock screams out “THERE’S NO MORE TIME!”

Jack Bauer’s cell phone ring is not set to ‘vibrate’ on purpose. Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.

Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.